This week, Villa Italian Kitchen launched gender reveal lasagnas.
For $140, you and your family can revel in the perceived gender-identity of your unborn fetus with a surprise announcement dictated by food-colored cheese in a layered meat casserole. Worried about the carbs? The package also comes with a salad of your choice — garden, Caesar or Greek.
Apparently, starting wildfires, fighting in parking lots and broken bones were not enough. Expecting Americans needed a savory way to unveil their child’s sex to their Instagram followers. But of course, what’s more photogenic than a seeping pile of meat dripping in marinara sauce and oozing cheese? I guess this isn’t that far off, visually, from the OG gender reveal — birth.
If it’s a center point of Garfield the cat’s personality, it’s clearly the right way to usher an infant to the world. I hope your baby also hates Mondays.
For the gourmands reading this, don’t let the pastel cheese turn you off: this is still an authentic lasagna. The New Jersey eatery says their creation is made-to-order and boasts pasta straight off the boat, alfredo sauce and both ricotta and mozzarella cheese.
This dish from hell serves 12 people, including expectant mothers and their growing babies.
But of course, don’t forget to tape the extremely exciting footage of you cutting into a rectangle of pasta and gasping at the color of cheese. Hashtag it #LasagnaReveal to share your decision publicly. Watch out for those commenters! Maybe one day you can tell the story to your little one of how you honored their coming existence with sub-par Italian American cuisine.
Some advice from an Italian? Always make your own lasagna, let your child dictate what their gender means to them and keep the gender reveals to dads accidentally getting hit in the nuts.